Hiding truth.... a self cheat rather than cheating the one you love

                I kow many of us are lacerating(metaphorical) ourselves every moment to explain our loved ones that "one thing" but could not convey them. I am one among you and this is what I feel when I constantly fight with myself(Yes, lacerating). You may call me a coward, a person who values relationship, a deceiver, a cheater. However everything boils down to one thing, a constant self struggle,every moment. Those sleepless nights thinking what if I tell him/her that 'one thing'? How will my life change? How much it affects his/her life? Can tomorrow be just like yesterday you just spent with him/her? Can all those chichats,rides,small fights continue if I say him/her that 'One thing'? Somehow falling asleep thinking all these and waking up suddenly with those panic attacks....Stopping in middle of something suddenly when your mind suddenly takes you into deep thought of why are you not able explain this to himself/herself or atleast yourself.....

             Sometimes even you may feel their love as a butcher knife which constantly makes you feel more guilty by chopping your soul and build up your thoughts that repeatedly ask you 'Why aren't you confessing whatever may happen?' Every single time they express their love either verbally or through actions, your guilt grows exponentially. Well can't express those raw feelings verbally however cant do much about it expect hoping that one day everything becomes normal and you not to become villain in your own life.

Well what about answers to those questions...........

You may never find answers to them in your life....as they say.....
Some questions needs to be left out unanswered.........

The last(lost) one......

Not your mistake...definitely not even mine...infact the best thing I have ever did in my life is to see you.....definitely not a love @ first sight but ultimately became like God gave me sight to see you....ur smile....goooodddd....the precious thing I have ever seen....didn't get chance to remember you till now..oh ..sry...first I need to forget to remember...however that never happened.....u always thought with the brain and me with heart....this lead to syntax error of my thoughts....again a practical example to prove that heart and brain won't sync...can't say that u r missing someone who could love you morethan anything else...infact I am missing someone whom I loved this much which atlast got invain(wish it won't)...nothing may change in ur life and i hope that it would be that smooth forever...however for me every second from now gonna be different....difficult to digest that our first thought after waking up and last thought before sleep won't be anymore the same....U changed me so much that even u don't know(however need not know) .......it's definitely pure but my love may be up not to an extent to expect the same from the other end......

Two months back....was in some excellent period of time in life....same time...same place....but now in total distress....only some memories changed the whole situation....wired...isn't it?Even believed in God for the first time to get the same memories again...but he made me realize that those were so special that they come once in a lifetime and if I get them one more time,it's speciality may reduce...'CHANGE'-the term used by the most including me to get a better life without realizing that it too have negative side...now it's too late.it's not always 'Better late than never' i.e what we were taught in our childhood...in some cases it is 'Better never than being late'....It's really hard to behave like strangers with someone when u have lot of their memories and their image is always constantly flashing on your mind....finally it is still more depressing when u still don't know what has gone wrong....

  When nothing goes in your way,when your life completely gets out of your hands,when you don't have excitement of tomorrow,when life almost become like an uncontrolled boat in a cyclone,the two things that keep you moving are the memories of the past and 0.000000000001% of faith in future....It's socially accepted insanity.there is very little that can be done

Thought that convincing her,her parents would be enough to lead rest of life with her but before everything else forgot that building trust in her have atmost importance....love might true,tears may roll in eyes but that can't build trust in her.....searched and tried every possible way to build trust in her but failed.....even atlast unable to discover what may be the thing that can be done to build trust in her....experienced exciting as well as shocking mornings,warm as well as gloomy afternoons,awesome as well as frustrating evenings,sleepless nights....sometimes due to over happiness,sometimes due to sadness....crazy smile as well as tears reading the chat history.......suddenly able to see curtains being closed for 2 years of one side love and 10 days of partial two side love....donno whether curtains will be closed partially or completely......hope God will never take her smile away from her face.......---an unlucky one

Love alone is not enough but a pinch of luck definitely acts as a catalyst for its success."Try nd try until u succeed"it might look good on cards....but practically everything has a limit....but the problem is that heart won't accept if it hears that this is the limit.....undoubtedly that's y  heart dont have a brain....only feelings will be no more effective without thoughts....Ever thought  y brain is silent and heart is noisy???it want to have an upper hand over brain by calling us....when one is in joy,that beat will be a music nd in case of other's it's a noise.....Finally who's losing whom is still unknown....and it's really pity on one who accepted nd won every challenge in life...but is still dependent on a person...watever...it's still a challenge but hard to face...thanks life for making me feel everything

       Thought that my 21st year will be just another year of my calender.but didn't know that it comes carrying loads of responsibilities and I will be no more the same person....came to know that point of view towards adulthood has changed completely when compared to what I thought it will be during my childhood....came to know that everything in life comes with a warranty.
..it is No more like the past where someone like parents,teachers or Frnds used to cover my mistakes...whatever mistake I do now will have a harsh effect...
got to prove that even without someone's guidance I should be something definitely not a zero....got to prove that whatever happens,I should leave it behind and move on....everything other than me and my dear ones should be made optional.....May be this is y @21 years,you will be called an adult....it's not just an age,it's a responsibility....
   End of the day....whatever it may be,life is getting sexier day by day